Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Catching up

Let me begin with saying that I realize how long it has been since I have blogged.  I am utterly ashamed.  There is a great list of reasons, but they all fall under one category...ME! The past couple of months have been such a struggle for me.  I have been, like usual, a complete mess.  Emotional and spiritual mostly.  Surprise, surprise.  So let me get into the highlights. 

Summer officially hit and I decided to take a break from leading in the youth group.  I was feeling like a time bomb about to explode.  I got stuck in a rut and didn't know how to find my way out.  I needed some time of reflection to figure out the next step for myself.  Don't get me wrong...I love being with those crazy high schoolers.  They are still my favorites, but I'm not sure if I went about leadership the right way.  I still have a lot to learn about life and leadership.  I think I need to take a little time away though.  So that means, this summer has turned into lots of working and continued saving for a new vehicle. 

Let's just say that rain is still practically non-existent here and heat abounds!  This poor feeble Indiana girl is not used to sweating quite this much! Ok, so I'm tougher than I give myself credit for.  Many of my Texan friends can't believe how gracefully I have handled a car without A/C for so long!  Yet the hottest month of all is still ahead of me...August.  The funny thing about August is that I'm used to that being the month of beginning the cool down.  Not so in Texas.  I just have to keep telling myself that I can make it through this.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...right?  I mean, people lived in this heat before we invented A/C...how hard can it be?

The fourth of July...What a weekend!!  I was able to catch up with a good friend from camp last summer the weekend of July fourth.  I went to her house in Oklahoma for a day.  Her family had a big cookout and I made sure to take my djembe.  That was one of the best decisions of my life!  We sat around after eating and played music for a few hours and it was so relaxing, refreshing, and just an all around great time!  I had so much fun and it was great to get an opportunity to play my djembe again!  I have definitely missed it.  It reminded me of how much I want to play music on the streets sometime.  That would be so cool!

That leads me to the most recent development in my life.  This past weekend I moved into a new apartment with a roommate.  It will save me some money in rent and gets me more space.  My roommate doesn't spend much time, if any, at home so it's basically all mine but with half the bills. It's still in the early stages so time will show more, but for now it's a great arrangement.

Those are the raw details.  A step deeper, the emotional, is a little bit scarier and less clear.  I don't even know how to describe what all I have been through these past couple of months.  I stopped going to church for a time.  I had allowed myself to become angry and bitter with the organization of church.  The concept is great, but the execution sucks.  There is so much disfunction in church, in people, in life...and instead of seeing the big picture, I focused on the one thing that I expected to be perfect.  I have taken a step back into church and trying to work on that area of my life.  It's very difficult though.  I have all of these walls built up.  My first Sunday back was so hard.  I couldn't seem to relax or focus.  I have a long way to go, but there is progress.

Even though I have joined a small community group, I have managed to keep myself at a distance and slightly isolated.  That doesn't help the emotional turmoil that I have been experiencing.  I want to talk about it sometimes, but I can't even understand what the deal is.  I never seem to know why I'm such a mess...I just am.  One of my friends said something that I wasn't sure if I should take as a compliment or be offended at...yet it seemed so true.  "You wouldn't be Charissa if you weren't a mess."  I have so many emotions, good ones and bad ones that confuse me.  I guess that some day I will be able to understand more, but until then, I am just one confused, crazy, and emotional mess.  That is the Charissa you will encounter during this stage of life. 

At one point in time, I was so confident about where I was headed and what I wanted to do with my life.  That is no longer true for me.  I am back to the beginning of not knowing anything.  I am trying to just focus on one day at a time.  The rest will figure itself out.  I don't have to know all of the answers and as long as I continue to push through the tough times, then I will be alright.  I have God...that's all I need.  I will admit that I have been tempted to go back to Indiana, but there is nothing there for me.  There are no jobs and no opportunities there.  God has brought me to Austin, TX and I need to stay here until I see that purpose fulfilled, whatever it may be.  Here I am, here I will stay.  Emotional, confused, distraught, struggling, and challenged as I am...with God all things are possible.  There is hope...there is joy...there is love...there is God!

I hope y'all have been blessed these past couple of months.