Monday, March 28, 2011

Inner Beauty

I'm a girl who lives in a world that still objectifies the female body and I am sick of it.  It's a beautiful and wonderful thing.  It's fascinating how God created us and the joy of attraction.  Unfortunately, the world always finds a way to twist and ruin something beautiful.  A gift uncherished becomes corrupt. A woman desires to be beautiful and loved, but not just on the surface.  I recently experienced the shallowness of the world and a pain that I can't even describe.  I was wanted for my body...and nothing more. 

I should be flattered that a man finds me attractive, but no matter how many times I think about it, it was not honoring or respectful.  I go so much deeper than the surface level and if you aren't interested in that, then the physical attraction means nothing.

I am a firm believer in the concept of inner beauty.  What's on the outside doesn't matter near as much as what's on the inside.  I could be the most beautiful woman in the world but if my heart is nasty, then what's the point?  If all you're after is my body, don't bother because there is much more to me that you can't handle!  The physical should be a bonus, not the main attraction!

My personal standard of purity is a little intense, but very important to me.  To attack and then disregard my wishes along those lines is a huge act of disrespect.  It's rude and whether you agree or not, that's how I am choosing to live my life.  I respect your choices whether I agree or not, but I'm not going to force you to live the same way as me. 

I have never had someone be so forward with me before and, as shocked as I was, deep down I was wounded.  This experience will also affect my trust level with every guy I meet.  Are they attracted to the real (inside) me or do they just see a pretty face? 

I sure hope that some day, one man will love the real me.  He will treasure and respect me.  He will be the one who gets the bonus.  Until that day, I will look to God to be the one.  He sees the depths of my heart and the deepest part of me and He loves me unconditionally.  Even if no earthly man will understand, I know that my God is all that I need.  His is the only love that I need and His is the only affirmation I seek!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Neighborly Kindness

First of all, I want to start out by saying that I went hiking this afternoon and LOVED it!  I found a park to go to in the evenings to walk off the stress or bottled up energy from the day.  I'm so excited to start going there on a regular basis!

When I got home this afternoon after my hiking, I decided that I had enough time to whip up a batch of cookies for my neighbors.  I've been wanting to do this since I moved into the apartment but never seemed to have the time or energy for it.  Today was the day...and I'm so glad I finally did it. 

I got out all of my ingredients that Rebekah, my friend from work, brought to me.  I got down my mixing bowl and my mom's famous chocolate chip cookie recipe.  The adventure began!  After measuring out the first few ingredients I realized that my recipe was for a double batch.  In theory, that was an awesome discovery, but for my mixing bowl that was quite a challenge.  When it was time to add the dry ingredients, things were getting very interesting.  The flour came up to the edge of the bowl and I was met with the challenge of how to stir without getting flour all over my kitchen.  Somehow I managed to keep it decently contained and successfully made my first batch of cookies in my apartment.  :) 


I made little cards to go with the cookies and put them in little baggies.  The next challenge was to come up with a creative idea with my resources of how to hang them on doors and attach the cards to the bags.  I used safety pins and ribbon...and they looked pretty awesome if you ask me! I put them all in a plastic bag and faced the fear of knocking on doors.  I was pleasantly surprised by what I encountered.  I have really nice neighbors.  As awkward as it was to knock on the doors and quickly explain that I'm not a psycho, it turned out really good.  I sure hope that I can have some friends out of this.  If not, I hope the cookies were good and that I can at least be greeted with smiles when I run into my neighbors around.   

This evening, I am cooking honey mustard chicken with jasmine rice and some green beans.  It sounds yummy...and it smells yummy!  I'm sure it will taste yummy as well!  I think I'm getting the hang of this cooking thing.  It's not so bad after all!  Well...I think that is all I have to report for now! Glad to finally give some successful news!  :)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Parents, Bugs, Food

As y'all have read from my past few posts, I have been struggling with friends (or lack of) and just feeling a little homesick.  On Thursday, my friend Taelor came over and it was so nice to catch up and just chill.  I needed it soooo bad!  She always knows how to cheer me up and encourage me to keep going strong!  I'm so thankful that God put her in my life! :)

Saturday, my dad was able to come to Austin to visit me for a little bit.  He brought my uncle and aunt with him as well.  It was a good time.  It was nice to see some familiarity from my past.  I'm definitely looking forward to my flight to Indiana in April.  I wanna hug my momma and see my big sis!  AND the new addition to the family, my niece!  I still have to wait another month though...and it seems like my little niece is quite content to stay in her momma's belly for a little while longer.  I'm ok with that! :) 

Saturday evening I came home from work and crawling down my hall was the largest bug I have ever come face to face with.  After much debate with my friends here in Texas, the general concensus says that it was a cockroach! EWWWWW!!  Anyway...this is how it went down!

"AAAAAHHHHH!!  WHAT THE HECK? YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN MY HOME!"  Keep in mind that I do not have a vacuum at this point and I have never encountered something so large.  My first thought was to take a pic on my phone so that I could show the world my unwanted visitor, but I quickly discovered that my hand would have to get entirely too close to the bug and I decided it was not worth it for me.  I frantically looked around for an idea to remove the sucker from my apartment.  There was no way I was going to bed knowing that thing was inside.  I never would have slept. 

*light bulb* I went into the kitchen, grabbed a plastic cup and a piece of cardboard and prepared myself to get up close and personal to this nasty bug.  My first attempt was a fail.  Mr. Roach scurried very quickly under my entertainment shelf.  Insert Charissa screaming and throwing the plastic cup across the living room.  My heart was pounding.  My thoughts went something like this..."why can't there be a man here to save me? This bug is just too big!" 

I pulled myself together, took a few deep breaths, and shuffled some things under the shelf to get Mr. Roach into the kitchen.  I slammed the cup down, trapping him inside.  I could hear and even feel him running around the edges of the cup, frantically trying to escape and successfully giving me the creepy-crawlies.  It still makes me shiver thinking about it.  I slid the cardboard under the cup and took him outside and let him free.  That was not choice number one for me, but seeing as I was incapable of killing something so large that was my only option. 

I felt like a frightened little girl!  I HATE bugs...especially giant bugs...and even more so...giant roaches!! Gross!! The pic is pretty close to what was in my apartment!

In other news, I now have a vacuum.  FINALLY!  And I am very much looking forward to being able to use it! 

Also on a lighter note, I have successfully made two meals.  I redeemed myself in the area of pancakes!  I did so well on Sunday, that I even made chocolate chip pancakes!  Yea...I'm good! This evening I made tilapia with teryaki sauce and had yellow squash and zuccini.  That was probably the first well-balanced meal I've had since moving.  It was delicious and made enough for a few lunches this week as well.  I think I might just survive the single life!       


Saturday, March 5, 2011

Step By Step

Let's just say that the past two weeks have had several ups and even more downs.  I have been an emotional mess.  For those of you who know me well, this comes as no surprise.  Between stress at work and the loneliness and failures of life on my own, I have been pretty discouraged.  This transition gets harder and harder every day.  The excitement has worn off and now reality has set in. 

If life didn't seem hard enough, I went and added some spiritual pains to the mix.  I didn't make God a priority and my attitude has suffered.  Discouragement, loneliness, doubt, and failure pulled me down and I allowed it to gain ground in my life.  But, I'm taking that ground back.  I am determined to make God a priority again.  I am making the conscious decision to spend my day with God each and every morning.  It's difficult to remember every day, but I'm working at it.  Each time I get into my car, the Christian radio is playing and that usually helps me remember. 

I think the hardest thing for me is not having a close friend who understands me.  I have many friends and I'm so thankful for them, but I am still lacking that best friend who will make spending time with me a priority.  I have those friends in other places, but I need one here in Austin.  It's still a hard transition and making friends is more difficult in "real life." 

I have to just keep trusting that God knows what He is doing with me.  Even though I feel like an alien, I know that God is with me no matter what happens.  The disciples were sent out and often felt rejected and lonely.  That is a little encouraging...but it doesn't make the rejection and loneliness feel better.  It's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way though.  I'm not the first and I won't be the last.

At this point in time, I don't really have anything else to write.  I realize that even what I did say was kinda blah and uninspiring.  Nevertheless, I felt the need to share.  I wish it could have been more insightful and jawdropping. I guess every post can't be dropped dead hilarious or profound.

I'm going to add some words that I wrote a year ago.  They are not how I'm feeling right now, but sometimes it's nice to look back.  Plus, if any of you are feeling this way, then I want you to know that there is hope and you're not alone.  I can remember the night that I typed these words and it was definitely a difficult one.  It was also a turning point in my life.  It's cool to look back when I questioned my future and see how clueless I really am about life.  I'm at a place where I don't even think about it that much because I'll never figure it out.  It will just happen and I have to take one day at a time. writings from a year ago...


There comes a point in everyone’s life where uncertainty shadows your dreams with doubt and fear. What you desire more than anything, seems so unreachable. When you struggle through the day just to say you survived and nothing more. Emotions are high and sending you into unexpected tears. Loneliness, hurt, fear, doubt, pain…the list could go on. You ache from the deepest part of your being. It makes you sick to your stomach and it cuts deep into your heart. It is a pain that drains you physically and emotionally. Yet somehow, you are unsure as to what is causing all of this anxiety and stress. It just exists in your life daily.

Unfortunately, this is where I am right now. These feelings are a reality for me every day. Some days are worse than others, but that deep pain follows me everywhere. Will I ever achieve my goals? Can I make it through life fulfilling the deepest desires and passions of my heart? What does my future really look like?

There are so many things I do not know…but one thing I do know is that I cannot continue to live with this pain. It is draining the life right out of me. It is tearing me up from the inside out. I will not be able to function like this for too much longer. I also know that I am not the only person going through this struggle.

So for those of you who are in that place with me, let us work together to find hope. Let us rest in the arms of God. We need to lay our burdens at His feet and allow Him to take control. We must surrender our fears and trust that He will see us through. It is so easy to say those words…but not so easy to apply. Trust me…I know! I have tried for too long to make it through on my own…I need help! I can’t do it by myself! I know that it won’t be easy, but I must press on no matter what. The aching must stop and I choose to end it now…today! What will you do? I am looking to God for my security and comfort, not my own hands.