Saturday, March 5, 2011

Step By Step

Let's just say that the past two weeks have had several ups and even more downs.  I have been an emotional mess.  For those of you who know me well, this comes as no surprise.  Between stress at work and the loneliness and failures of life on my own, I have been pretty discouraged.  This transition gets harder and harder every day.  The excitement has worn off and now reality has set in. 

If life didn't seem hard enough, I went and added some spiritual pains to the mix.  I didn't make God a priority and my attitude has suffered.  Discouragement, loneliness, doubt, and failure pulled me down and I allowed it to gain ground in my life.  But, I'm taking that ground back.  I am determined to make God a priority again.  I am making the conscious decision to spend my day with God each and every morning.  It's difficult to remember every day, but I'm working at it.  Each time I get into my car, the Christian radio is playing and that usually helps me remember. 

I think the hardest thing for me is not having a close friend who understands me.  I have many friends and I'm so thankful for them, but I am still lacking that best friend who will make spending time with me a priority.  I have those friends in other places, but I need one here in Austin.  It's still a hard transition and making friends is more difficult in "real life." 

I have to just keep trusting that God knows what He is doing with me.  Even though I feel like an alien, I know that God is with me no matter what happens.  The disciples were sent out and often felt rejected and lonely.  That is a little encouraging...but it doesn't make the rejection and loneliness feel better.  It's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way though.  I'm not the first and I won't be the last.

At this point in time, I don't really have anything else to write.  I realize that even what I did say was kinda blah and uninspiring.  Nevertheless, I felt the need to share.  I wish it could have been more insightful and jawdropping. I guess every post can't be dropped dead hilarious or profound.

I'm going to add some words that I wrote a year ago.  They are not how I'm feeling right now, but sometimes it's nice to look back.  Plus, if any of you are feeling this way, then I want you to know that there is hope and you're not alone.  I can remember the night that I typed these words and it was definitely a difficult one.  It was also a turning point in my life.  It's cool to look back when I questioned my future and see how clueless I really am about life.  I'm at a place where I don't even think about it that much because I'll never figure it out.  It will just happen and I have to take one day at a time. writings from a year ago...


There comes a point in everyone’s life where uncertainty shadows your dreams with doubt and fear. What you desire more than anything, seems so unreachable. When you struggle through the day just to say you survived and nothing more. Emotions are high and sending you into unexpected tears. Loneliness, hurt, fear, doubt, pain…the list could go on. You ache from the deepest part of your being. It makes you sick to your stomach and it cuts deep into your heart. It is a pain that drains you physically and emotionally. Yet somehow, you are unsure as to what is causing all of this anxiety and stress. It just exists in your life daily.

Unfortunately, this is where I am right now. These feelings are a reality for me every day. Some days are worse than others, but that deep pain follows me everywhere. Will I ever achieve my goals? Can I make it through life fulfilling the deepest desires and passions of my heart? What does my future really look like?

There are so many things I do not know…but one thing I do know is that I cannot continue to live with this pain. It is draining the life right out of me. It is tearing me up from the inside out. I will not be able to function like this for too much longer. I also know that I am not the only person going through this struggle.

So for those of you who are in that place with me, let us work together to find hope. Let us rest in the arms of God. We need to lay our burdens at His feet and allow Him to take control. We must surrender our fears and trust that He will see us through. It is so easy to say those words…but not so easy to apply. Trust me…I know! I have tried for too long to make it through on my own…I need help! I can’t do it by myself! I know that it won’t be easy, but I must press on no matter what. The aching must stop and I choose to end it now…today! What will you do? I am looking to God for my security and comfort, not my own hands.

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