Thursday, February 17, 2011

Does anyone understand me?

I am a Christian, trapped in a world that doesn't understand me.  This past week has been such a challenge on my spiritual health.  I am not as strong as I need to be or even have been in the past.  I am set apart for something...that something which I am still unsure of.  I can't make people understand and I can't explain enough to make sense. 

The light that shines so attracts and illuminates...that isn't me! It's God IN me! My choices and decisions often go against the flow of the majority, but that's ok with me.  I want to pursue the God that my life was created to worship and that often means rejecting the worldly standard.  But...why is it so hard to understand? 

I feel beaten from all sides.  Struck down, battered, and bruised.  Those that cut me down don't even realize how much they are hurting me.  I want everyone to know the joy I've found in God!  I want them to be attracted to the light and do something about it.  But why does it always stop there?  Why can't it go further? 

My heart is breaking for the searching around me.  All they want is to be good, have comfort, experience pleasure.  So many of the things they chase after leave them empty and confused.  There's the light, but it's so different.  It's not always comfort or fun.  It requires sacrifice and hardship. 

I know that I'm not perfect and I won't always make the best decisions. This past week in particular I have been very selfish.  It's so easy for me to forget what is really important in life.  It's so much harder to find people who believe the same  things as me here.  I'm so used to being surrounded by an intense community of people who have the same ideas about life and beliefs about God.  Now that I'm in the real world and on my own I am realizing how much I miss that community and how much I took it for granted when I had it. 

The solitude is not all bad though.  It is forcing me to be still and take the time to spend with God.  If I didn't use the time with Him, I would be pretty close to going crazy!  Although many of you who know me would probably say that I'm not too far from crazy anyway.  Regardless, I am in a new place of life that I have never experienced before and I'm just trying to figure out the best way to make it work.  Life is so complicated sometimes. 

1 comment:

  1. Girl, you have so much courage to be where you are and, to be staying there. I know it has to be difficult to be in a different community where not everyone feels the same as you. You maybe a light in their darkness, and they don't realize it and may not for a long time. Just keep on Keepin on girl! I'm praying for ya!!


    ps. I hope you get my package tomorrow!!!